Hubba Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 Yup.....I just about spit my coffee reading that this morning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brah Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 Bahahahahahahaha hahahahahahaha. GLPMARIO Hahahahahahahahahahaha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brah Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 cupar, geosmoke, quickme and 5 others 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jez Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’ why does that give me a hyperlink to target's 3 radar detectors all for sale? :/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrinkSmokeGolf Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 why does that give me a hyperlink to target's 3 radar detectors all for sale? :/ That's VigLink. You will very rarely see a link like that. It brings in a few bucks to help keep this place running. Jez 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rick Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 Always pack more than needed. Rye, Brah, Iron1 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jazie Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 Breakfast of champions Iron1, Rye and French1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrinkSmokeGolf Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 A kid asks his dad "What's the difference between realistically and potentially? The father responds with "Go ask your siblings and your mother if they would have sex with a celebrity for a million dollars." The boy asks his mom "Would you have sex with George Clooney for a million dollars?" The mother responds " While I am a married woman, that is a lot of money. He is also a very attractive man." The boy asks his sister "Would you have sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Well of course! " she exclaims. Finally he asks his brother "Would you have sex with Tom Cruise for a million dollars" And he hums and haws about it "I dunno man, well... That is a lot of money. Yeah alright I'd do it." When the boy sees his father again the father asks " Did you figure out the difference between potentially and realistically?" "Yes father, Potentially we're sitting on $3,000,000. Realistically, we're living with two whores and a fag." jazie, Smokntaz, Iron1 and 3 others 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrinkSmokeGolf Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain't Stanley .” The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain't Stanley.” The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Gomer said, “Well, Stanley had two assholes.” “What! He had two assholes?” asked the mortician. “Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, there's Stanley with them two assholes.” tricam_bob, Brah, jazie and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smokntaz Posted October 19, 2014 Author Share Posted October 19, 2014 A Texas teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots. He asked for help and she could see why.Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a glow.She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." Sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.He then announced, 'These aren't my boots'.She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so', like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em'.Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots onto his feet again.Helping him with his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens'?He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots so's I wouldn't lose em'.She will be eligible for parole in three years. quickme, DrinkSmokeGolf, Rye and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smokntaz Posted October 19, 2014 Author Share Posted October 19, 2014 Two Irish women were sitting next to each other in a bar.After a while, one looked at the other and said, 'From listening to ya speak, I can't help but think you're from Ireland .'The other woman responded, proudly, 'Surely I am!The first one said, 'So am I! And where bouts in Ireland are ya from?'The other woman answered, 'I'm from Dublin .'The first one responded, 'So, am I! And what street did ya live on in Dublin '?The other woman said, 'A loovely little area in the west end; Warbury Street in the old central part of town'.The first one said, 'Faith and begorrah, it's a small world! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'The other woman answered, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary.'The first one got really excited then and said, 'So did I! So did I! What year did you graduate?'The other woman answered, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'The first woman exclaimed, 'Good Lord! I can hardly believe the luck of us winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 meself!'About this time, a regular, Michael, walked into the bar, sat down and ordered a beer.Brian, the bartender, walked over to Michael shaking his head and muttering, 'It's going to be a long night, Michael!'Michael asked, 'And why's that, Brian?'Brian answered, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.' Rye, Iron1, CharlieDon'tSurf and 3 others 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrinkSmokeGolf Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 My girlfriend was standing nude in front of a mirror and she wasn't happy with what she saw. She said, "I'm fat & ugly..I really need a compliment right now!" To which I replied, "Well your eyesight is near perfect..." Iron1, Smokntaz, quickme and 7 others 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CharlieDon'tSurf Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 I stink at retelling jokes, but, but I can easily paste a link of the great Bill Burr from 6 or 7 years ago. That was easy Mike 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wilk INStheWEST Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 Iron1, Brah, Beach and 3 others 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrinkSmokeGolf Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 So I'm finally taking the warning on cigarette packages to heart.... I'm going to quit littering. Wilk INStheWEST 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smokntaz Posted October 27, 2014 Author Share Posted October 27, 2014 The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night and all I did was suggest we hold auditions for her part. The other night my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" My missus packed my bags and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death you bastard!" "Oh, I replied, so now you want me to stay!" Mike, DrinkSmokeGolf, Rye and 6 others 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrinkSmokeGolf Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 A man goes into a supermarket to buy a half head of lettuce... He goes up to a teenager stocking the shelves and asks, "I'm looking to buy a half-head of lettuce, do you have any?" The teenager replies, "Not that I know of, let me go check in the back." So, he goes into the back, finds his manager, and says, "Can you believe there's some fuckin' asshole out there trying to buy a half head of lettuce?" His boss' eyes go wide and the teen turns around to see that the guy has followed him into the back. Without missing a beat, he continues, "And this fine gentleman is looking to buy the other half!" So after the guy leaves, the manager calls the kid into his office and says "I really liked how quick on your feet you were out there today. Where are you from?" "Canada," replies the teen. "Ah, wonderful people, those Canadians," says the manager. "Nah, they're just a bunch of hockey players and whores," the teen smirks. The managers' eyes narrow and he tightly says "You know, my wife is Canadian." "No kidding!" Says the teen, "What team does she play for?" Rye, Iron1, jedinathan and 7 others 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smokntaz Posted October 28, 2014 Author Share Posted October 28, 2014 Medical Exam During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says, "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble." The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor. "No! No!... Just stick out your tongue!" Cigarguy, Ramrod918 and Iron1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrinkSmokeGolf Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Medical Exam During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says, "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble." The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor. "No! No!... Just stick out your tongue!" Don't get it. How do tongues get ladies in trouble? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrinkSmokeGolf Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on a deserted island... They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was... At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody else in the island... He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this... One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her successfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life. But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed... "Whats wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say... She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him... "Really?, you'll do anything I'd like?" "Yes" she said "anything!" "ok, first i want you to take off your toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore" "ok..." "now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat" "wha... ok, id say id do anything" she said lovingly. "ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it" She was kinda confused, but none the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tuck her hair under the hat. "Now I'd like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache" "ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered. "now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach I'll catch up to you in a bit" he said a bit excited... She started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was h... suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! You wont believe who I've been fucking for the past 6 months!" Wilk INStheWEST, French1, Hififarmer and 13 others 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smokntaz Posted October 29, 2014 Author Share Posted October 29, 2014 Don't get it. How do tongues get ladies in trouble?No talking, no problem. [emoji14] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrinkSmokeGolf Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 No talking, no problem. [emoji14] haha - ok, I'll agree. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcicvara Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 'You know there is a life beyond Internet?' 'Really. Send me a link'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smokntaz Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 Got this from my wife today. Think she's trying to tell me something! Happy Halloween all. karmaz00 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrinkSmokeGolf Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!" Rye, str8dog, French1 and 5 others 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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