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Joke Thread


Smokntaz

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  • 4 weeks later...

Ok so a guy is sitting at a bar, drunk and throws up on himself.... He turns to his buddy and says.. What am I going to do now. My wife says if I get drunk one more time she is going to leave me.... After a long pause his friend says put a $20 in the coat pocket and when you get home, explain that some guy threw up on you and then gave you a $20 to cover the cleaning costs. So at the end of the night the man goes home, where his wife is waiting. He explains that some guy threw up on him and that he gave him a $20 for the cleaning costs. She take the coat and reaches in the pocket and pulls out 2, 20 dollar bills. Then confused she says I thought the guy gave you just 1, 20 dollar bill? He turns to his wife and say yeah he did the other $20 is for the guy that shit in my pants... ZINGGG!!!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Where's Belle?

 

 

A little girl asked her Mom,
"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies,
"No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a 
walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little gasoline, and dabbed 
the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, "OK, you can go 
now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the 
leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"


 

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so 
another dog is pushing her home."

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  • 2 weeks later...

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

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A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.




 




"Did you smell that food?" she asked.




 




"Incredible!




 




"Being a 'kind-hearted  Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck..., I'll treat  her!"




 




So, they walked past it again...



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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ‘I clocked you at 120 km/h sir.’

The driver says, ‘Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, ‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?’

The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit. The man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ‘Fk it woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’

The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.’

The driver says, ‘Yeah well, you see officer, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’

The wife says, ‘Now dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU shut the fk up?

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma’am?’

The Wife replies, ‘Only when he’s drunk.’

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  • 2 weeks later...

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