Joke Thread

[Smokntaz]

Share your funnies here.

 

 

A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text..............

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send
me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking,
send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

He replied........"I'm taking a shit. What should I do?"

[karmaz00]

Lol that's good

[DrinkSmokeGolf]

[leatherman]

Good idea for a thread!!

[cigars_eh]

Let's play a game

[karmaz00]

i like the parking one.. lol

[GottaBeKD]

I would just give you the ticket and you can deal with fighting it.

[taxedman]

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take the time to go to a restraunt two times a week.  A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.  She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

 

-Henny Youngman

[Smokntaz]

A penis has a sad life;

His hair is a mess, his family is nuts,

his neighbor's an asshole,

his best friend's a pussy,

and his owner beats him!

[cigars_eh]

One Sunday in a picturesque country church, Satan burst in.  There he was in all of his horrible glory waving his pitchfork around at all of the people and scaring them all out of the church except for one little old fellow sitting in the back row.

 

Satan came up to him and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”

 

Little old man said, “Yep, sure do!”

 

That puzzled Satan.  He asked, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?”

 

The little old man said, “Nope, not a bit!”

 

That caught Satan off-guard.  He asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?”

 

The little old man said, “Cause I’ve been married to your SISTER for the last 47 years!”

[cigars_eh]

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Park and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.
"Tch Tch!" said the passer-by to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."
So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"
"Fishing, sir."
"Fishing, eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"
The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the fourth today, sir!"

[Bacchus]

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest "one" she had ever laid her hands on.

 

I said "You're pulling my leg."

[taxedman]

Angry wife says....."my gynecologist says I can't have sex for two weeks!"

 

 

Husband says....."yeah.....what did your dentist say?"

[cigars_eh]

A young woman goes to her doctor, afraid of the green spot on the inside of each of her thighs,
"They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, they seem to be getting worse."
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, not to worry until the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy. There's no problem. But, I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?" 
The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings are not real gold."

[karmaz00]

Lol nice

[TheJimmy]

Great topic! Im not the biggest advocate of clean jokes but here is one:

 

A young man who was an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home.

 

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

 

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot.

 

There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

 

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

 

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

[Smokntaz]

A man visits his granny in the nursing home. When he arrives, she is asleep, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, watches television and eats some peanuts from a bowl on the table. Eventually, the granny wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished all the peanuts bowl. "I'm so sorry, granny, I've eaten all of your peanuts!" "That's okay, dear," granny replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't like them anyway."

[Smokntaz]

The Pope had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he got in the back of the limo and the Pope took the wheel.He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 90 MPH. WHAM! The blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his  rearview mirror. He pulled over and a trooper came to his window.When the trooper saw who it was, he said, "Just a moment, please, I need to call in."
The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief.
He said, "I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."  The chief replied, "Who is it, not Ted Kennedy again?"
The trooper said, "No, even more important."
It isn't the Governor, Jeb Bush, is it?" asked the chief.
"No, even more important," replied the trooper.
"It isn't the President, George Bush, is it?"
"No, replied the trooper, "even more important.
"Well, WHO The HECK is it?!" screamed the chief.
The trooper responded : "I don't know for sure but I think it might be Jesus, because his chauffeur is the Pope!"
 

[karmaz00]

A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate shot tournament at his club.

He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway.

Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, "Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine."

The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods.

Undaunted, the husband said, "That's OK, Sweetheart" and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in.

His wife then proceeded to take her putter out and knock the ball off the green and into a bunker.

Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker.

He took the ball out of the hole and while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey five and that's OK, but I think we can do better on the next hole."

To which she replied, "Listen asshole, don't bitch at me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine."

[karmaz00]

David Feherty a well known and funny golf commentator has put together his 6 favorite Golf Quotes:

1. "Fortunately, he (Rory) is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body."

2. "That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn't find it if it was wrapped in bacon."

3. "I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn't be here this week. He's attending the birth of his next wife."

4. Tommy Gainey's grip: "They look like two lobsters trying to screw."

5. Jim Furyk's swing: "It looks like an octopus falling out of a tree."

6. "He's (Luke Donald) a bloody walking ATM. I slid my AmEx card between the cheeks of his ass and out popped $500."

AND, THE EXTRA ONE, DESCRIBING V.J. SINGH'S PRODIGIOUS PRACTICE REGIME:

"VJ HITS MORE BALLS THAN ELTON JOHN'S CHIN"

[karmaz00]

It was a sunny morning, a little before 8:00 AM, on the first hole of a busy course, and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:"Would the gentleman on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please"

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement: "Would the man on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more the man yelled, "Would the man on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"

I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back.... "Would the asshole with the microphone kindly keep quiet and let me play my second shot"!"

[karmaz00]

One day a Blonde was walking down the street when the club pro saw her out of the glimpse of his eye and yelled "do you want to play"

She replied "no I don't know how to and I don't even know how to hold the caddy."

[karmaz00]

Hey, George, did you hear the awful news about John" The two golfers were talking over a drink in the club bar.

"No what happened to him."

"Well he had a great round on Wednesday - under seventy I heard - anyway he finished early and drove home, and found his wife in bed with another man! No questions asked... he just shot 'em both! Isn't it terrible"

"Could have been worse," George commented.

"How"

"If he'd finished early on Tuesday, he would have shot me!"

[TheJimmy]

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long. Hit the damned ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

[cigars_eh]

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he did not have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.
"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster?"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked. "Yes, he is right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opened his golf bag and out popped the genie. The friend turned to the genie and said,
"I am a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said.
"I wish for a million bucks!"
The genie hopped back into the golf bag and left him standing there waiting for his wish to be delivered.
Suddenly the sky began to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead was heard.
The friend turned to his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
"I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"